Life on My Own Terms

back yard apple tree, originally uploaded by stevefazek.

“You’ve just been given at time machine. You can only use it once, to go back to day in your past and relive it or change something. What day would you go back to, what would you change and why?”

Summer of 2001 was an odd summer. I spent a large part of it in Europe and upon my return, a friendship was in question. I was an interior/exterior house painter for my uncle and interned at a local Atlanta radio station. Hubs (just a boyfriend at the time) was living out in Washington state and I was planning to fly out there to drive back with him at the end of July. My relationship with my mom was strained.

My parents were working in the yard and I was not helping them. For some reason, I ended up standing in the yard talking to my mom. I don’t remember the conversation, but I remember her asking if things were serious with this guy I was seeing. I answered that things weren’t serious and that he was just some guy.

The answer couldn’t have been farther from the truth. We got engaged in the weeks after that conversation and my relationship with my mom was strained for a long time. In the time since, we’ve repaired things and have both moved on from that day in the yard. I hurt her terribly.

Why did I answer the way I did?

I was 21 years old and desperately in love with hubs. This scared me. I was depressed and thought that I prevented my parents from having a normal life. These many years later, I’m still not 100% why I answered that way, but if I had to do it again, I would have answered differently and would have worked toward reconciling with my mom sooner. It would have saved both of us some anxiety and heartache.